hi peekachoo,
today is thanksgiving. it's at our house. yay! the table looks so pretty. no one is here yet and chris is in the shower so i just wanted to write to you and say i am thankful for you. for my smart quirky funny talented compassionate and brave friend. it snowed a little this morning which i love. and now things seem so quiet. hard to believe the hustle and bustle that i am sure is coming. such a nice soft day so far. anyway, at the last minute chris' sister and her husband decided not to come because she is not feeling so well. this would never happen if it was at her mother's house or if her mother hadn't told her she would host a make-up thanksgiving on saturday which now we are expected to go to. there is no way i am going. chris said that was punitive but one thanksgiving is it for me. also i invited my sister and she never even called me back. yuck. sorry. people are just so hard to handle sometimes. anyway, i guess i needed to vent. i love you. xo, r

hi potato pancake,

thank you - it's nice to be so welcomed home.
trip was something else. no vomit, but plenty out the other way.
thank you for being happy for me. i appreciate that and i appreciate you.
ha! i like your visions of me although admittedly i wondering about the bathroom thing until you qualified it.

life feeling a little overwhelming this week.
but to that in a moment.

wow. the hair stuff sounds....frightening! how did the vitamin c stuff go this weekend?
have you considered going to see someone who is, oh i don't know, a professional? just saying, morning glory.

i am glad that things are pretty good - the fairy dust worked then ;)
isn't it? to be in this, here and now. that is what is, for me, right now. and i'm glad for you to, my love.

i'm sorry the mckenna thing is still getting you down - and seems some other strife happening - that is all that you can do - be truthful with no intent to harm - and that is what you have done. it hurts to see some of these relationships go through their downs, but sometimes, it's necessary. i am sending you love and strength and i am happy to here you groundidness with it all (i don't think that was the correct spelling).

what is the sleep study? do tell?

i love you, honey pie.

the things they put on cereal boxes these days

Hi squash,
oh i'm glad you are back! life is more fun when i know i can reach you.
that was not too much for a wednesday morning. it sounds like your trip was really cleansing. i'm glad you vomited. i'm glad you feel like you have cleansed yourself of the pain and judgment and control. life feels open for you now and i am so happy for you. i can picture you, winging your way out on a sunday morning, conscious of the air and the colors and the joy of a day, moving toward something meaningful and capturing images on the way. maybe that is silly but when i picture you, you are always walking somewhere. or you are in a bathroom :) (taking pics of yourself).
oh my god, my hair. bad idea #1: dye your hair for your halloween costume (pippi longstocking) - bad idea #2 you are sick so you ask your husband to pick up a hair dye - bad idea #3 when he brings home a permanent hair dye saying that there is a product at the drugstore that say it can remove permanent hair dye if you do not like the color do not doubt your instincts about that -
bad idea #4 have said husband dye your hair even though andi is coming home and has dyed her hair millions of times - bad idea #5 when you love the way your hair is looking lately don't get a burst of ennui and curiosity and self dye your hair
sigh
i made it better by mixing vitamin c with shampoo and letting it sit in my hair for 45 minutes. but it is still orange. it's actually not horrible - i mean my hair was say auburn with blond highlights and the color red could fit in with that and my complexion, but really i realized that i am not a redhead. this weekend i am doing more vitamin c shampooing and maybe lemon juice. i could use the product he bought but i am scared of it.
other than that, things are pretty good here. i am in pretty good spirits. it is so beautiful that it is easy to feel alive. i love this house and this place.
the mckenna thing has been really difficult and now jen isn't talking to me, but i am having a kind of zen whatever will be will be. i at least have been true to myself and kind in my dealings.
i have an appointment tonight for a sleep study! yikes. my new doctor prescribed it. i am wondering what that will be like.
anyhoo, i love you. xoxo

hi pumpkin,
so what is going on with your hair?
i remember the last time i tried to color my hair myself.
it was a disaster. actually, in truth, i think it took a couple of disasters to realize
that i was not talented at coloring my own hair. anyway, i'm curious as to what shade of red your sporting these days.

my trip was - good! hard - a lot of hard work - but in the end, good. i did get sick,
and i think that was my body reacting but also i think it was the medicine working for me, in it's own way, clearing things out of my body that have been there for far too long. and now, for now, i am done. i am me, and that is good, and i am alive, and that is even better, and i wouldn't trade this moment for anything. i am present in each moment, being here, in this, whatever that means.

and, i am done torturing myself on all levels. this is who i am.
and to reach that point, well, i feel overwhelmed with gratitude.
this is who i am and i am very lucky to be this.

no more purging, no more mean thoughts, no more harsh judgements.
it won't be easy all of the time, and it won't feel clear all of the time.
but if i can find truth in those moments, feel them, and then let them fall
back into love, then that's ok.

too much speak for this early on a wednesday?

i love you and am always thinking of you.