Dear cuteness,
I am wondering about your cousin and his wife relations? What's going on? I thought all was wonderful with that.
I am excited for you and your trip today. I wish I could watch out of a hidden camera in your lapel pin or something. I am so curious to see what it is like where you go.
I know holidays are tough for you. I wish I could conjure up the perfect combination of people for you to spend your time with. Maybe little short visits with several groups of people? I am not a huge fan of the holidays anymore. My mom used to make it special. It was always great food, different flavors, creative decorating, homey tree, lovely lovely. Now it is boring at chris' parents' house. And he gets stressed out by his family and I long for the good old me getting stressed out by my family days. Last year there was a nice spot of chris and i having jen and my parents over for breakfast xmas morning. that was really nice. so maybe we will do that again this year. i am more wanting to skip american thanksgiving this year. we keep wondering how we can get out of it. maybe we will go to flint michigan to visit our friends who are moving there this weekend. you should come! i don't think it is so very far from toronto. but geography has never been my strong suit. oh christ. i need to get dressed for work. and i was enjoying talking to you so much.
i love you honey bunny.

hi,
i have plenty to write about i'm just not sure this is the right place to write about it all. i am good overall and looking forward to the jungle. and, i am struggling with two things. the first thing is what feels like a crink in my relations to my relations - specifically my cousin and his new wife, and secondly, the pressure for christmas plans is on, and it's freaking me out. i want to do my own thing, but yet, i don't know what that means.

so, in a state of flux, somewhat disheartened but always optimistic and hopeful.
and love love love you.

ps: have you heard back from mckenna?

hi bella,
sorry it had taken me some time to write back...and thank you for your kind, encouraging words. i am feeling much better and clearer and grounded.

it's been a busy bunch of time lately - i had my first yoga training weekend, thanksgiving (happy fifth anniversary by the way - what did you two end up doing??)
and then craziness up until my cousin's wedding this past weekend. it was beautiful, and i am so glad it's over. it's going to take a few days for it to settle in that it's done and that there is nothing more to do for it!

what else? my trip to peru is coming up and i am very excited and nervous and ready for it...there is some stuff rising to the surface that i would like to release and to just be far away, in the jungle, is something that i am looking forward to.

hmm, i sound kind of boring today i think. but i'm going to keep forging ahead with thoughts as they flow - in fact, this is one of my meditations that i'm supposed to be practicing - setting the clock for ten minutes and writing whatever comes out without editing or fixing grammar or re-reading what comes out. aren't you happy to be on the receiving end?!

i wonder how you are and what you're up to. things here are quiet - today, finally, my mind is quiet(ish) and i am happy to not be rushing off this morning but rather spending some time at home working, and being here.

family stuff around the wedding got a bit much, and it was disappointing that my brother missed the ceremony - they pulled up fifteen minutes after the ceremony. sad, but true. actually, i don't think i feel like delving into more of that right now.

i love you very much and i hope that all is well and i'm sorry my post is so boring.
xo

it's so strange. i just tried leaving you a note and it disappeared. strange. thank you for your kind and beautiful words dearest heart. i'm sending you much love and thanks, and hope that you and chris had a beautiful five year celebration of being marrieds.

i promise to write more in the coming days...it's crunch for my cousin's wedding and i have much left to do, including write my speech. ack.

know that i love you and some thoughts will follow soon.

ps: what is it with brides-to-be and pole dancing this year?

Hello sweet knees,
Time has been moving strangely for me as well. Sometimes it seems like instead of being a flow, like it should, each event ends with me walking through a door and closing it. Like I am parceling out my life in very specific points. Like I don't look over my shoulder anymore in a backward glance. I have been feeling this way for some time now and I hate it. It feels like something is wrong, but I don't know what. I am not a soldier in my life. I don't just keep marching forward, always forward. This has never been the way I live my life. Why do these doors keep shutting as I move from place to place. I drove to New York to see another doctor the other day and as soon as I got home, it had faded so far into the past I barely felt as though I had left at all. The thing is, I am enjoying my life so much more these days. Like right now I am sitting in the sun, listening to music low on my computer and writing to you. I am about to pause and get up and get myself a cranberry and seltzer. It is a loveliness and peace. And I bet tomorrow I will not be able to feel this moment anymore. Which is strange also because I have been more in my breath and body and the moment lately than ever. I am really practicing this. Like I can sit and time and the world will slow down around me and I am at the center and my breathing is the only thing that matters. Pause here for cold drink mission.
Ahhh... yum.

So stuck in your ego huh, making a list of things you don't like about yourself? Why don't you take a moment to make a list of the things you do like about yourself. Seriously do it now. take out a pen and piece of paper and start filling that sucker up. are you brave? are you open to new things? do you have a good eye? are you silly? are you smart? do you read lots? are you willing to sing and dance around your apartment? can you giggle? can you stand up for yourself? there, i started your list. continue. please. and any negative thought that creeps in - label it as blurting (unconscious negative knee-jerk thoughts) and let them go. Every time you think something bad about yourself label it as blurting.

We are programmed by society to strive and push and compare and want and judge, especially ourselves. If you are your harshest critic, you are screwed. be gentle with yourself. you don't have to always feel comfortable - but at your core, please try to love who you are, please try to think you're the coolest person you know. I doubt myself all the time, and second guess, and feel awkward, and worry about how people will respond to me, but i never doubt that i am worthy of so much more, that i am a truly kickass person who deserves good things. i am slowly learning to breathe through all of the crappy thoughts about myself and hope that someday i will be okay with myself no matter how people respond to me. and that it won't be about winning people over, or pleasing them, but living honestly and openly and truly feeling like the phoenix i know i am.

and guess what, you are one of the coolest people i know. you have style and flair and are independent and open to love. you write great letters and take amazing photographs and are always bravely and openly striving to do the work and find your peace. you are extraordinary.

i know sometimes you are lonely. and i know this is one of the hardest things to be. but you are not alone. you do not have to square off against your life - just you in the end. because there is a world around you that wants you to lean into it, and there are people who love you.

also, in therapy one of the hardest things i have had to learn is to stop writing stories about people when i have no idea what they are thinking doing, etc. i used to do this all the time. and usually the story was the harshest possible about myself. and sometimes i would react before they even responded to me, defensively - like if i could shut them out first - or test them without them knowing it and then announce to myself that they had failed me - that was the story. and at least i got to write it. but the thing is you have no idea what is going on in the heads of the people in your yoga class. probably they are thinking similar things as you, probably they are taking this training class because they need this in their life. probably they are not as together as you would imagine. and if there are a few who are what you would expect, probably they are not as self-aware as they should, in an ideal world, be. new things are always intimidating. i always take so much time to open up that people probably write stories about me that aren't true. but it is a practice, like most other things.

holy crap, i just read this back and somehow i am giving advice where not asked and really sounding like i know what i am talking about - which i don't.
to sum up - be yourself - you are wonderful and radiant.

Wow, black hair. I have actually always wanted this. I almost dyed my hair last spring but the woman in the salon convinced me to get highlights instead. Which I like but now I want more dramatic. I think my body craves change and drama. Must be something about being 35 and wanting to make a statement. The color of your hair cannot affect your spirit or change who you are. I believe this absolutely. Otherwise we could tell very easily who the good and bad people of the world are. :) Although it is kinda cool to think of you as some sort of dark samson superhero. now that your hair is black you can really tap into your dark powers. kickass!! channel your rage into confidence. That works for me sometimes. I once made a mix of rage songs and listened to it every day before i went to work so that i wouldn't care what people were thinking or saying about me. it was like a rage shield. not the healthiest thing i know, but very helpful at the time.

so, mckenna never wrote me back. not yet anyway. it has been a week. it is hard to hold still with how i feel about this. but i am trying to. all of my old reactors are primed. but this is too important for that. so i guess i just have to wait. i guess i can admit to you though that i am so hurt i feel like a wounded animal inside.

i love you so much peekachoo.

i miss you. it now feels like so long since i saw you. time is strange,
especially lately. i have been in my own fog this past week - i know this happens
every once and awhile, and it can be difficult to move through it. i know on the other end there is sunshine, and love, and love of self, and right now i am stuck in my ego and my list of stuff that isn't quite right about me.

before i continue i just wanted to say that i thought your letter to mckenna was beautifully written, and i hope that the response is positive and full of love. all i saw in your words was love, and i hope that she says that.

so, here i am, stuck in myself. some thought patterns repeating until i pulverize myself
into a puddle on the floor. irrational anger at everyone around me, anger about myself and how this part of me isn't quite right, and that part of me isn't quite right. overwhelming feelings of lonely. wondering if i will ever experience the connectedness and the close knit tribe of a relationship with a lover. knowing that the work is to strengthen my bond with myself, and try to use love with every thought and every movement. knowing that the only way is through and that in the end, it is me, and only me, and there are no promises in life. talking to spirit, or god, or buddha, or the great divine, and asking for guidance and self-security.

this week is the first week of my teacher training. wednesday night we had anatomy, and today is the first of a four day intensive. sharing space with thirty other people and finding myself comparing myself to those around me, rather than feeling the love and compassion potential of the room. wishing i hadn't gone ahead and had my hair dyed so dark (more on that in a bit), wishing i had a better wardrobe, or could look more put together. forgetting what it is like being around people all day, and how vulnerable it can feel to be surrounded by them. those feelings of will they like me, i hope they like me, i hope i look ok, i hope i sound ok, why can't i project the confidence i see in these mostly women around me. stories start forming then, about their stories, and how much more full their lives must be with their husbands and wives and dogs and such. not knowing anyone's story, really, but projecting my own version of what i wish for and what i think i lack.

in the times of feeling connected to self, and love of self and compassion towards self, it is easy to be and to feel confident. this week isn't one of those weeks. maybe it's not even week - it's only been two days since i've been feeling like this, which is an improvement, really, from past episodes, when it feels like two weeks of darkness.

so, about the hair. i wanted to even out my hair and get back getting back to natural, so i had it colored. at a new salon. and it is dark. so very dark. and it makes me feel enraged. i feel like this dark person. is that strange, that because my hair is very dark, close to black, that i should feel so dark and furious? i think it's strange. it's a different energy. or maybe it is me not recognizing myself, and so therefore i can't seem to recognize being kinder to myself. i am unsure. the upside is that i am going to another new salon on tuesday to see if they can lighten it up. and, there is someone that works at that salon that has the same name as me. i have never met anyone, in my entire thirty-five years, with my name. i am curious and excited.

and so, dearest, i am sorry that this feels so full of blah. i feel so much better that it is out and i know that next week will bring balance and quiet for my spirit. thank you for reading, and i am so glad that we decided to add our thoughts. i love you very much.

I miss you. I drove back from NY that night wishing again that I could call you to go for a walk or a brunch or a photo day or a yoga class any time I wanted to. I suppose the likelihood of you moving to New Hope is small. :) But I am grateful for the time I got to see you.
I found two yoga restorative classes that I really like. At the end of one of them we did a Yoga Nidra meditation. Have you ever done this? At the beginning you set your intention, it should be the same every time you do the meditation, it should be bigger than yourself, something that could help in a larger picture kind of way. I chose "radiate peace" for myself. The more I do that, the more it would flow around me I think. And then she leads you through a meditation that is almost like mild hypnosis, really deep relaxation. I was brought back to class feeling like I was almost stuck between two worlds. I almost thought I might not be able to snap out of it and drive home. But I did and it was lovely.
I finally wrote McKenna back on Saturday. This is what I wrote:
It is really long so don't feel like you have to read it if you don't want to.
Dear McKenna,

First, let me apologize for taking so long to reply to your email. It was not because I was not thinking about it or you, I simply needed time to think and to not just react. As you know, I can be a bit of a reactive person and if I would have written you last week without sitting with it all for a bit, the email would have sounded different.

Let me talk a little bit about this last email first. I hear you talking about our friendship academically and that confuses me. I am not sure what your thesis is, I would really like to know, but hearing you approach our friendship clinically made me unsure of how to respond. I am not sure how I could help with your research, but am willing to talk with you about it, if that is what you would like.

As to your first letter, yes, I wish you had talked to me about your new approach to your life and career earlier. It would have helped me to understand the few times you asked if I would be around within the last few months and then either did not contact me or suggested a day other than the days I told you I am free. But I am glad you told me now. I am curious as to what prompted this decision to not practice balance in your life and why you are dedicating the next few years to this. Did something happen? I thought you seemed balanced this summer when you went to Ossabaw and to the woods up North. I had no idea that this summer (or before?) marked a change in the way you approach your life.

As to you asking me what I need. I ask only this, what do you need? In your letter you told me what you couldn't do, which I respect, but you never suggested any options.

How do friends so far apart include each other in their lives? I have figured this out over time with most of my girls. But what ideas do you have? And again, what do you need? I am patient - friendships contract and expand over time, but there has to be a connection. When you asked me if friendship is possible under these circumstances I simply say, friendship is possible under any circumstances if both people are committed to the relationship.

I think we chose each other more than 20 years ago, when you freakin' stole my books and hid them until I cried, and we continued to choose each other time and time again when we did not have to. I read this book once and a character talked about her marriage of 40 or so years to the same man. She said she had actually been married four different times to four different men, and they were all named George, but every ten years or so they had to decide if it made sense to create a marriage between these two new people.
This is easier with friends but follows the same concept.

Do you and I still make sense as friends? I think so. I know your heart, I can feel it beating even when I can barely hear it. I know your core, even if it is obscured by time and choices and differences. But you have to make this decision for yourself. And we have to be included in each others lives in real ways. This does not actually have to take up much time at all if one is creative enough. But I have to say I have seen my friend Bry more often than you this year, and she lives in Toronto - every once in awhile I would need to actually be able to reach out and touch you.

I do love you, you know. I always have, even when I didn't understand you. I saw you out there on that soccer field, the only girl playing soccer with the boys, cursing up a storm, and I just knew that we would be friends for real. Life friends.

Love, Rebekah

She hasn't written me back yet. I know it will probably be awhile until she does. But I am worried. What if she doesn't choose me? That idea makes me sad. But I guess I have to accept that people fall apart from each other, in ways that they are not meant to mend. And so I wait.

How have you been? I feel like a million things have happened since I saw you. Are you well luv?