i miss you. it now feels like so long since i saw you. time is strange,
especially lately. i have been in my own fog this past week - i know this happens
every once and awhile, and it can be difficult to move through it. i know on the other end there is sunshine, and love, and love of self, and right now i am stuck in my ego and my list of stuff that isn't quite right about me.

before i continue i just wanted to say that i thought your letter to mckenna was beautifully written, and i hope that the response is positive and full of love. all i saw in your words was love, and i hope that she says that.

so, here i am, stuck in myself. some thought patterns repeating until i pulverize myself
into a puddle on the floor. irrational anger at everyone around me, anger about myself and how this part of me isn't quite right, and that part of me isn't quite right. overwhelming feelings of lonely. wondering if i will ever experience the connectedness and the close knit tribe of a relationship with a lover. knowing that the work is to strengthen my bond with myself, and try to use love with every thought and every movement. knowing that the only way is through and that in the end, it is me, and only me, and there are no promises in life. talking to spirit, or god, or buddha, or the great divine, and asking for guidance and self-security.

this week is the first week of my teacher training. wednesday night we had anatomy, and today is the first of a four day intensive. sharing space with thirty other people and finding myself comparing myself to those around me, rather than feeling the love and compassion potential of the room. wishing i hadn't gone ahead and had my hair dyed so dark (more on that in a bit), wishing i had a better wardrobe, or could look more put together. forgetting what it is like being around people all day, and how vulnerable it can feel to be surrounded by them. those feelings of will they like me, i hope they like me, i hope i look ok, i hope i sound ok, why can't i project the confidence i see in these mostly women around me. stories start forming then, about their stories, and how much more full their lives must be with their husbands and wives and dogs and such. not knowing anyone's story, really, but projecting my own version of what i wish for and what i think i lack.

in the times of feeling connected to self, and love of self and compassion towards self, it is easy to be and to feel confident. this week isn't one of those weeks. maybe it's not even week - it's only been two days since i've been feeling like this, which is an improvement, really, from past episodes, when it feels like two weeks of darkness.

so, about the hair. i wanted to even out my hair and get back getting back to natural, so i had it colored. at a new salon. and it is dark. so very dark. and it makes me feel enraged. i feel like this dark person. is that strange, that because my hair is very dark, close to black, that i should feel so dark and furious? i think it's strange. it's a different energy. or maybe it is me not recognizing myself, and so therefore i can't seem to recognize being kinder to myself. i am unsure. the upside is that i am going to another new salon on tuesday to see if they can lighten it up. and, there is someone that works at that salon that has the same name as me. i have never met anyone, in my entire thirty-five years, with my name. i am curious and excited.

and so, dearest, i am sorry that this feels so full of blah. i feel so much better that it is out and i know that next week will bring balance and quiet for my spirit. thank you for reading, and i am so glad that we decided to add our thoughts. i love you very much.