I miss you. I drove back from NY that night wishing again that I could call you to go for a walk or a brunch or a photo day or a yoga class any time I wanted to. I suppose the likelihood of you moving to New Hope is small. :) But I am grateful for the time I got to see you.
I found two yoga restorative classes that I really like. At the end of one of them we did a Yoga Nidra meditation. Have you ever done this? At the beginning you set your intention, it should be the same every time you do the meditation, it should be bigger than yourself, something that could help in a larger picture kind of way. I chose "radiate peace" for myself. The more I do that, the more it would flow around me I think. And then she leads you through a meditation that is almost like mild hypnosis, really deep relaxation. I was brought back to class feeling like I was almost stuck between two worlds. I almost thought I might not be able to snap out of it and drive home. But I did and it was lovely.
I finally wrote McKenna back on Saturday. This is what I wrote:
It is really long so don't feel like you have to read it if you don't want to.
Dear McKenna,

First, let me apologize for taking so long to reply to your email. It was not because I was not thinking about it or you, I simply needed time to think and to not just react. As you know, I can be a bit of a reactive person and if I would have written you last week without sitting with it all for a bit, the email would have sounded different.

Let me talk a little bit about this last email first. I hear you talking about our friendship academically and that confuses me. I am not sure what your thesis is, I would really like to know, but hearing you approach our friendship clinically made me unsure of how to respond. I am not sure how I could help with your research, but am willing to talk with you about it, if that is what you would like.

As to your first letter, yes, I wish you had talked to me about your new approach to your life and career earlier. It would have helped me to understand the few times you asked if I would be around within the last few months and then either did not contact me or suggested a day other than the days I told you I am free. But I am glad you told me now. I am curious as to what prompted this decision to not practice balance in your life and why you are dedicating the next few years to this. Did something happen? I thought you seemed balanced this summer when you went to Ossabaw and to the woods up North. I had no idea that this summer (or before?) marked a change in the way you approach your life.

As to you asking me what I need. I ask only this, what do you need? In your letter you told me what you couldn't do, which I respect, but you never suggested any options.

How do friends so far apart include each other in their lives? I have figured this out over time with most of my girls. But what ideas do you have? And again, what do you need? I am patient - friendships contract and expand over time, but there has to be a connection. When you asked me if friendship is possible under these circumstances I simply say, friendship is possible under any circumstances if both people are committed to the relationship.

I think we chose each other more than 20 years ago, when you freakin' stole my books and hid them until I cried, and we continued to choose each other time and time again when we did not have to. I read this book once and a character talked about her marriage of 40 or so years to the same man. She said she had actually been married four different times to four different men, and they were all named George, but every ten years or so they had to decide if it made sense to create a marriage between these two new people.
This is easier with friends but follows the same concept.

Do you and I still make sense as friends? I think so. I know your heart, I can feel it beating even when I can barely hear it. I know your core, even if it is obscured by time and choices and differences. But you have to make this decision for yourself. And we have to be included in each others lives in real ways. This does not actually have to take up much time at all if one is creative enough. But I have to say I have seen my friend Bry more often than you this year, and she lives in Toronto - every once in awhile I would need to actually be able to reach out and touch you.

I do love you, you know. I always have, even when I didn't understand you. I saw you out there on that soccer field, the only girl playing soccer with the boys, cursing up a storm, and I just knew that we would be friends for real. Life friends.

Love, Rebekah

She hasn't written me back yet. I know it will probably be awhile until she does. But I am worried. What if she doesn't choose me? That idea makes me sad. But I guess I have to accept that people fall apart from each other, in ways that they are not meant to mend. And so I wait.

How have you been? I feel like a million things have happened since I saw you. Are you well luv?