Hello sweet knees,
Time has been moving strangely for me as well. Sometimes it seems like instead of being a flow, like it should, each event ends with me walking through a door and closing it. Like I am parceling out my life in very specific points. Like I don't look over my shoulder anymore in a backward glance. I have been feeling this way for some time now and I hate it. It feels like something is wrong, but I don't know what. I am not a soldier in my life. I don't just keep marching forward, always forward. This has never been the way I live my life. Why do these doors keep shutting as I move from place to place. I drove to New York to see another doctor the other day and as soon as I got home, it had faded so far into the past I barely felt as though I had left at all. The thing is, I am enjoying my life so much more these days. Like right now I am sitting in the sun, listening to music low on my computer and writing to you. I am about to pause and get up and get myself a cranberry and seltzer. It is a loveliness and peace. And I bet tomorrow I will not be able to feel this moment anymore. Which is strange also because I have been more in my breath and body and the moment lately than ever. I am really practicing this. Like I can sit and time and the world will slow down around me and I am at the center and my breathing is the only thing that matters. Pause here for cold drink mission.
Ahhh... yum.

So stuck in your ego huh, making a list of things you don't like about yourself? Why don't you take a moment to make a list of the things you do like about yourself. Seriously do it now. take out a pen and piece of paper and start filling that sucker up. are you brave? are you open to new things? do you have a good eye? are you silly? are you smart? do you read lots? are you willing to sing and dance around your apartment? can you giggle? can you stand up for yourself? there, i started your list. continue. please. and any negative thought that creeps in - label it as blurting (unconscious negative knee-jerk thoughts) and let them go. Every time you think something bad about yourself label it as blurting.

We are programmed by society to strive and push and compare and want and judge, especially ourselves. If you are your harshest critic, you are screwed. be gentle with yourself. you don't have to always feel comfortable - but at your core, please try to love who you are, please try to think you're the coolest person you know. I doubt myself all the time, and second guess, and feel awkward, and worry about how people will respond to me, but i never doubt that i am worthy of so much more, that i am a truly kickass person who deserves good things. i am slowly learning to breathe through all of the crappy thoughts about myself and hope that someday i will be okay with myself no matter how people respond to me. and that it won't be about winning people over, or pleasing them, but living honestly and openly and truly feeling like the phoenix i know i am.

and guess what, you are one of the coolest people i know. you have style and flair and are independent and open to love. you write great letters and take amazing photographs and are always bravely and openly striving to do the work and find your peace. you are extraordinary.

i know sometimes you are lonely. and i know this is one of the hardest things to be. but you are not alone. you do not have to square off against your life - just you in the end. because there is a world around you that wants you to lean into it, and there are people who love you.

also, in therapy one of the hardest things i have had to learn is to stop writing stories about people when i have no idea what they are thinking doing, etc. i used to do this all the time. and usually the story was the harshest possible about myself. and sometimes i would react before they even responded to me, defensively - like if i could shut them out first - or test them without them knowing it and then announce to myself that they had failed me - that was the story. and at least i got to write it. but the thing is you have no idea what is going on in the heads of the people in your yoga class. probably they are thinking similar things as you, probably they are taking this training class because they need this in their life. probably they are not as together as you would imagine. and if there are a few who are what you would expect, probably they are not as self-aware as they should, in an ideal world, be. new things are always intimidating. i always take so much time to open up that people probably write stories about me that aren't true. but it is a practice, like most other things.

holy crap, i just read this back and somehow i am giving advice where not asked and really sounding like i know what i am talking about - which i don't.
to sum up - be yourself - you are wonderful and radiant.

Wow, black hair. I have actually always wanted this. I almost dyed my hair last spring but the woman in the salon convinced me to get highlights instead. Which I like but now I want more dramatic. I think my body craves change and drama. Must be something about being 35 and wanting to make a statement. The color of your hair cannot affect your spirit or change who you are. I believe this absolutely. Otherwise we could tell very easily who the good and bad people of the world are. :) Although it is kinda cool to think of you as some sort of dark samson superhero. now that your hair is black you can really tap into your dark powers. kickass!! channel your rage into confidence. That works for me sometimes. I once made a mix of rage songs and listened to it every day before i went to work so that i wouldn't care what people were thinking or saying about me. it was like a rage shield. not the healthiest thing i know, but very helpful at the time.

so, mckenna never wrote me back. not yet anyway. it has been a week. it is hard to hold still with how i feel about this. but i am trying to. all of my old reactors are primed. but this is too important for that. so i guess i just have to wait. i guess i can admit to you though that i am so hurt i feel like a wounded animal inside.

i love you so much peekachoo.